Recently, one of my daughters shared with me what she heard a mom say to her frightened child: "It's okay to be afraid." She was telling me this as we were discussing my recent episode of anaphylaxis.
Those words really hit me. They affected me because during the span of my entire life, I've been telling myself, my children and now my grandchildren, "It's okay, don't be afraid."
I assume I was just doing what I knew and had been taught - and that's not a bad thing; trying to dissipate fear in myself and others.
My words of "don't be afraid" were always intended and wrapped in love and and a sense of protection. Yet, as I see it now, those words are not quite correct.
It's only been in recent years that I have come to terms with and fully understood feeling what we feel. The challenge is not getting stuck there. I assume I operated in a way of "don't be afraid" because I knew I would get stuck in the fear if I actually let myself, or others, feel it.
Going back into the apiary (bee yard) for the first time since my episode was nerve wrecking, or at least the anticipation of it was. I do not know what is going to happen when I am stung again, could be nothing, could be worse than last time. Suiting up to go back out, I paused. I was afraid. I kept telling myself "don't be afraid." Then alas I remembered those words. "it's okay to be afraid" to feel my feelings, let them move through and then decide. I nearly died last time I got stung, it was totally okay to be afraid!
Armed with all my new tools of the trade (EpiPen and Benadryl) I headed in. It was fine, it was okay, I was okay. I bee-live I was okay because I gave myself the time and space to feel what I was feeling.
I feel a little foolish even writing about this because maybe everyone or most people already know that it's okay to be afraid. I honestly did not. Sure, I've heard the saying about courage is being afraid and doing it anyway; but to me that meant that you were only courageous if you were afraid and did the very thing you were afraid of. I have a different understanding of that now. I truly feel that it's okay to feel afraid, let it pass through and then do what you are afraid of on not. The courageous part in my opinion, is the acknowledgement of the emotion.
I recall a time when one of our grand kids wanted to go up to the hayloft yet was overcome with fear about the ladder to get up to the hay loft. As he climbed he was visibly shaking. Mike and I are big on over coming fears and obtaining goals, so we encouraged him to climb the ladder. Mike at the top arms reached out to him and me behind him helping every step of the way up. I said "it's okay, don't be afraid, we've got you." and (unfortunately) I said "there's nothing to be afraid of."
Oh how I wish i could have a re-do! He did go up and he (as well as Mike & I) were proud of him; BUT, if I could do it all over again, I would not deny him the real feelings that he was feeling by saying "there's nothing to be afraid of." The ladder is old and unsteady, of course there was something to be afraid of!
Going back in with the bees went great! We checked honey supers and talked about when to extract.
I did not get stung (I was fully suited though) Mike got stung a few times, once to the shirt.
It's pretty wild to watch a bee sting. Their insides literally come out with the stinger.
I have no idea how I will feel when we do go in to pull honey supers. I do know however that I will honor how I feel and go with whatever feels right. I will be able to admit that I am afraid, sit with that for a moment and either do it anyway or not. I will not tell myself that "it's okay" instead I will tell myself that "it's going to be okay" whichever way I choose, to go in or not.
The last couple blog posts I have not written about any products. I would love it though if you checked out my website and poked around. The recent top selling products are:
Wrinkles Bee Gone
Bee Glowing Facial Lotion
Bee Moisturized Calendula Lotion
Thank you for reading and allowing me this platform to express my feelings and life lessons. I know it helps me and i sure hope it helps others as well.